We Have Survived

There are several kinds of abuse and each kind can take many different forms. Our society is so tolerant of abusive behavior that we often do not even recognize some behavior as abusive. Because we have been told so often that if we are being abused it is our fault, it becomes very painful and difficult to look at the abuse that we have endured. As we become safe from further abuse and begin to feel more in control of our lives, we can allow ourselves to recognize the abuse we have experienced. This is a painful process and we need the loving support of safe (non-abusive) persons when we are doing this. Throughout this process we need to be reassured… that the abuse we received was NOT our fault, that we did NOT deserve it, and that we have the RIGHT to be treated with dignity and respect.

Physical abuse can take many different forms, including the following:

The abuser has:

Pushed and shoved you
Held you down and kept you from leaving or getting up
Bitten, choked or kicked you
Hit or punched you, which may or may not result in visible injury
Tied or otherwise physically restrained you
Thrown objects at you which may or may not have hit you
Locked you out of your house
Abandoned you in dangerous places
Refused to help you (e.g., get medical help) when you were injured or pregnant
Forced you to ride in the car when he/she is driving recklessly and endangering your life or the lives of your children
Pulled your hair, or your arms, legs, or other body parts
Dragged you
Ripped your clothing
Forced you off the road or kept you from driving
Raped you
Threatened you with a weapon, used a weapon on you, or threatened to kill you
Hit or beat you with other objects
Stabbed or burned you

You will note that many of the above do not result in a physical injury. Physical abuse does not always result in physical injury. The atmosphere of violence and fear that these acts create is abusive and results in the emotional pain, which always accompanies abuse.

Sexual abuse can take many forms, including the following:

The abuser has:

Told anti-woman jokes and/or made demeaning remarks about women of a sexual nature
Treated women as sex objects
Gotten jealous, angry, and/or assumed you would or were having sex with any available man or woman
Insisted that you dress in a more sexual way than you wanted or made demeaning remarks about how you dressed
Made demeaning remarks about your body or body parts
Minimized your feelings about sex
Berated you about your sexual history
Blamed you if you were sexually abused in the past or as a child
Criticized you sexually; called you frigid
Insisted on touching you sexually when you did not want to be touched
When you were alone, or in the presence of others, called you a whore or a slut
Withheld sexual affection
Forced you to strip when you did not want to - alone or in the presence of others
Forced you to watch him/her have sex with others
Forced you to have sex with him/her
Forced particular unwanted sexual acts
Forced sex after battering
Forced sex when you were sick or it was a danger to your health
Forced sex with the purpose of hurting you with objects or weapons
Committed sadistic sexual acts
Forced you to pose for sexual photographs
Forced you to have sex with animals

Sexual abuse is not just forced intercourse. The above are some of the many forms which sexual abuse may take. They all demean and humiliate us, making us feel shameful and exposed.

Emotional abuse takes on many different forms, including the following:

The abuser has:

Ignored your feelings and/or belittled them
Ridiculed or insulted women as a group, calling them crazy, emotional, stupid, etc.
Withheld approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment
Continually criticized you, called you, shouted at you; nothing is ever good enough no matter what you do or how hard you try
Insulted your friends and/or family; driving them away
Humiliated you in private or public
Refused to socialize with you - going out with you, but then totally ignoring you when out
Kept you from working, controlled your money, made all the decisions, demanded you seek permission to do or have anything
Refused to work or share money
Taken car keys or money away
Destroyed, sold, or given away things which are of importance or value to you
Regularly threatened to leave or told you to leave
Threatened to hurt your family and/or friends
Punished or deprived the children when he/she was angry at you; treated the children specially, but excluded you, when he/she was angry at you
Threatened to kidnap children if you ever left
Blamed you for any problems (real or perceived) with the children
Abused pets to hurt you
Told you about his/her affairs to humiliate you
Harassed you about affairs he/she imagined you were having
Manipulated you with lies or contradictions
Manipulated you with emotions - e.g., threatening to kill him/herself if you left, other forms of emotional blackmail
Told you it was your fault when he/she physically or sexually abused you - that you asked for it, liked it, or deserved it
Denied that his/her behavior is abusive and/or minimized the abuse - calling you crazy, weak, stupid; accusing you of making it up, not being able to handle it, etc.

The above list is not complete. Chances are you may think of some other experiences of abuse, which are not listed. One way to recognize abuse is to be aware that all abuse is humiliating and degrading. It makes us feel as though we are somehow innately bad or inferior (although we sometimes hide these feelings even from ourselves because they are so painful). As we come to recognize behavior which is abusive and can realize that it is the abuser who is responsible for that behavior and not us, we can begin to learn to say, "NO - I don't deserve this; I don't want to be treated this way." For years many of us have remained alone and isolated in our shame, believing there was something wrong with us. Together, as we learn to give each other loving support, we can begin to name our abuse. As we do, we will discover that we are not alone and that we are not bad people. We can begin to stand in awe of what we have endured and know that we have survived, that we are strong, that we are of worth, and that we can stand tall with our heads held high.

By Jo Richmond, Women's Center of Mid-Minnesota; revised 8/91 by Safe Haven Shelter, Duluth. Minnesota.